I Am NOT In Charge!

Humans insist that we are qualified to run the world. Every so often, the world says “wanna bet?” as it bombards us with proof that we aren’t (i.e., climate change and covid-19). Still our governments assure us they have our backs and that rescue is on its way. Alas, turns out our governments are full of humans. But, being ever hopeful (or stupid), we console ourselves with platitudes like, “Everything will be fine. We just need a little more time.

”This process reminds of the steady thrum of ‘wannabe writers’ as we complain about all the things in our lives that must be done before we find enough time to write.

I, for one, have been saying that since I was 8 years old. I read books that taught me how to manage time and thus find more. Then, twenty-five years ago, I discovered the magic of Morning Pages as recommended in The Artist’s Way. Much to my surprise I stayed steady with this practice until December 25th, 2021. That was the day I realized last year’s journal was full of pages and pages of ‘woe is me’ jumbled up with ‘I am woman!’ declarations, all of it punctuated with daily ‘to-do-lists’, that I don’t complete. Why?

Because I run out of time! Since the ‘writing task’ is last on the list, it falls by the wayside. But that’s okay, as I will get there someday.

Not bloody likely at the rate I was going.

Why the sudden shift in perspective? That began with surgery to repair a large umbilical hernia on October 22, 2021. I came through that easily enough except that within 48 hours I had pneumonia. My breathing deteriorated such that my heart went into overdrive (atrial fibrillation). My oxygen levels plummeted and I required ventilation to save my life. When I ‘awoke’ fully ten days had passed since the surgery. I spent the next 17 days in the hospital learning how to swallow, eat, walk and talk again.

I am still recovering from that ordeal. Yet once again I find there is a silver lining. I now realize that I am not in charge. I have only the time that I have and I have no idea how much I have left. That truth has become a flashing Neon sign that is permanently switched on in my mind’s eye. Further, I have figured out why my dreams always came last in my life.

Guided by Joan Anderson’s book, A Weekend to change your Life, I learned that I put everyone else’s needs before my own. Their issues become mine thus my writing dream slides further and further down my list of things to do. I discovered that the Morning Pages ritual was a quasi-way of convincing myself I was indeed writing, when in fact I never finished anything or put it out in that big wide world. I became codependent on those pages, ergo, I convinced myself I was pursuing my dream through them. Oddly enough, this matches up with my sugar addiction which began at age four when certain family members bought my silence to their transgressions by giving me sugary treats.

Such difficult realizations. And now my behaviour has to change as there is no more time. So these are the decisions I have made.

I am retiring. I will no longer make my living as Registered Psychologist. I am done! As odd as it may sound the first step towards this commitment was ordering new furniture to turn the home office into a small reading-room.

My daily meditation practice is now guided by Kevin Griffin and his book Buddhism and the 12-step program as this speaks to my soul regarding the addictions to both sugar and the Morning Pages.

I will never ‘bleat’ out that old ‘not-enough-time-excuse’ as to why I don’t follow my dream of writing. I have learned finally that as far as time goes: I have what I have.

I am fortunate that this life-threatening experience led to the discovery that running my life on the basis of a to-do-list is not ‘being’ me, it’s ‘doing’ me. No matter whether I finish that to-do-list, my life and death will meet one day. My job between now and then is to leave as many words on paper as I possibly can.

Wish me luck and HAPPY NEW YEAR.