You Just Never Know

What does one do when a year of pandemic stretches on and on promising never to go away? What does one do when the faith one had in the ‘powers that be’ wanes to such an extent that one can no longer imagine a future of any predictability whatsoever? Well, if you are me, you have a “wake up” stroke. 

The literal meaning of that phrase is that a stroke occurred very deep within my brain while I slept on April 21, 2021. Fortunately, the literal side of things are all on the mend and my rehabilitation will be complete on June 10^th. The part that’s going to take substantially longer is the figurative side of that “wake-up” event.

That’s the part that showed up in my journal on Day 1.  What if I can’t write anymore? What if the right words can no longer be found after this brain injury? Does neuroplasticity really exist or are the pathways gone forever? What if I never finish my memoire, my essays, my stories – all the manuscripts that languish in various stages of evolution?

I expect most of us take our communication skills for granted. As writers we are usually bent upon improving our skills. We read ‘how to’ books, take courses, attend workshops and retreats and belong to groups like Ascribe Writers. We learn everything we can about characters, plots, settings, conflicts and resolutions. We diligently apply our knowledge to whatever we are currently working on. In our meetings we wax eloquent about word choices, genres and become tedious in the extreme about what the most important element is in our work. Why writers even discuss writer’s block, that terrifying idea that suddenly we are not able to produce any work of value that’s up to snuff. 

However, I can assure you it never occurred to me that I could lose my ability communicate such that I wasn’t able to write a coherent sentence. That my ability to say what I want to say, to explain what I mean, and to write it all down could vanish while I slept. Well guess what? That’s exactly what happened! And as usual I have to understand and make sense of this event in the bigger scheme of things. That old Universe is delivering me yet another very important message. My focus has shifted and so far, I have discovered that:

1. It’s time for me to retire, completely and as soon as possible
2. I need to create a list of phone numbers, names and addresses and instructions for my family and friends
3. Fear and terror are debilitating and interfere with the recovery of writing and other communication skills
4. And most important of all is that I have kept all my old stand-by writing books, the ones that got me started on this path in the first place
   • On Becoming a Writer, by Dorothea Brande, published 1934 
   • Writing the Natural Way, by Gabriele Rico, published 1983
   • The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron 1992
   • Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg 1986

Each one these focus on the process of writing, that part that gets my pen on the paper and allows for the free fall of words from my brain to the page. That’s what got me started on this journey originally. I hope they will work their magic at least one more time.

So far, the exercises are all familiar and they are helping me develop new pathways to the knowledge that I gained when I did them the first time. I am so blessed to have kept all of them. They are the base rungs on the original ladder I constructed to writing my stories. That ladder is still there …a bit older …in need of repair… yet still capable of bearing my weight.

I call that a “stroke of good luck”.