by Kelly Babcock
There are, it turns out one million four hundred and fifty three thousand and twelve reasons for my not writing at any given time. This number has been carefully calculated and I assure you of two things, one that it is accurate to within point oh seven reasons, and two … that I have no intention of counting those reasons again just to check.
I also, have no intention of going over the entire list with you. I will, in this space provided, list off some of the ones that are more likely to afflict you. I shall start with some of the more concrete ones.
The Big One:
You are asleep. This reason is fairly self explanatory and can be forgiven. Every writer knows that in order to write you need at least seventeen minutes of sleep within any given seventy two hour period of time.
It should be noted, here that I once wrote thirteen chapters of a best selling novel while asleep, but when I woke up I couldn’t find the manuscript anywhere. Later, while eating breakfast and going over some of what I could remember of the work I’d done somchirographically (sleepwriting), I realized that what I had written was part of nothing I’d been working on, and I decided that if it was someone else’s novel I’d been adding to, they could go looking for the missing work themselves.
The next three:
1. Your computer is dead. 2. Your pen has dried up. 3. You’re out of paper. These are all very good reasons, but they do show a lack of planning on your part. A psychoanalyst might determine that you subconsciously are either unwilling to write or are afraid to commit words to the page. They might also find some way of suggesting that this proved that you hated your mother or father or both, but that, as we know, is what we writers call inspiration and has nothing to do with not writing.
Several random, yet not unimportant reasons:
You believe yourself to be stumped in the development of your story. This is a perfectly formidable reason to not be writing, or so it would seem. But in reality, the technical term for this reason, as valid as it may be, is “pish-tosh.” Write anyway. You know you’re going to have to fix it later, but you knew that already about everything else you’ve written.
You imagine yourself as having writer’s block. Sadly, this is a perfectly valid reason, despite the fact that it doesn’t exist. When you think you have writer’s block, try writing down the reasons you believe that to be so. If you cannot write down any reasons it is because none exist. If you succeed at writing some reasons down, congratulations, you have just written. And since writer’s block doesn’t exist, you’ve created a work of fiction. Parcel it up and send it to your publisher post haste.
You are undergoing a serious surgery. Good luck. Remember to write about it later.
You have robbed a bank and are being hunted day and night by the law. This too is a valid reason, and my only suggestion is to swing by my place and I will hide you for a fee while you complete your writing. No no, don’t worry about me, I may not be wanted by the law but I assure you my attitude is positively criminal most days.
One more rather important one:
You can’t think of anything to write off hand. I’ve recently been afflicted with that myself under the usual time crunch of a missed deadline. You should do what I did in that situation, write a list of reasons why not to write.
But in the interest of balance …
I should mention that there is only one real reason to write and as ludicrous as it may seem the weight of that reason is enough to balance out the one million four hundred and fifty three thousand and twelve reasons for not writing.
You, are a writer.
